Reflections

"A parent outliving a child 

-- it's one of the most unspeakable things there is."

The above quote, which speaks for itself, is from a recent article regarding the deaths of mother/daughter Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher, opining that Reynolds died of a broken heart.

I have often hoped that if other bereaved parents came upon this blog, that they would recognize it for what it has been for me, a means by which to come to terms with unspeakable grief.  Longtime readers will note the dearth of entries this year.  For the benefit of other bereaved parents, I thought that for this year-end posting, I would share my reflections as to why that is so.

First and most obvious, there is no "closure, healing or moving on" when experiencing the loss of a child.  As we are about to enter the 10th year since John's death, the grief and pain are as intense today as they were in the beginning -- perhaps even more so in that the body does not have the benefit of shock to help deaden the senses.  Not a day goes by that I do not shed a tear -- some days a whole lot of tears.  Furthermore, simple things can serve as triggers to bring back memories as real and vivid as when they were initially happening.  Just the other night I found myself driving behind an ambulance which brought back to mind that fateful trip of April 7, 2007, when we followed John's ambulance back to DC in an early Spring snowstorm.

Yet, during this same period of intense grief, John's mom and I have been able to experience the tremendous joys that life has to offer; the marriages of John's brother and sister to a wonderful daughter-in-law and a great son-in-law; the birth of our grandchildren; John's mom's retirement; my embarking on a new and fulfilling career; the initial formulation of a soon-to-come life of retirement; and other significant life events.

And therein lies the paradox for me -- as joyful as the above events are, they are also exceedingly painful since they serve to emphasize JW's absence.  When John first died, I avoided focusing on the life that could have been since I believed that to do so would be disrespectful of the full yet all too short life he did live.  However, as life continues to move on, being mindful of what could have been -- what should have been -- is unavoidable.  Which brings to mind an earlier post I had made to this blog a number of years ago but for which I have since come to an even clearer understanding of what it means:

There are two responses to trauma:

to hold onto it in all its vividness and remain its captive; or

without necessarily "conquering" it,

to gradually integrate it into the day-by-day.

Thus, whereas this blog has served as an outlet for my grief, that same grief and pain has become an indelible part of who I am today.  It can't be taken away -- if it was, I would not be who I am today; I'd be someone entirely different.  Whether I wanted it to or not, the trauma has been incorporated into my day-by-day.

In keeping with the theme of that earlier post, I've discovered another song which addresses the circle of life -- this time from the perspective of an old man with a granddaughter -- thus even more relevant than the earlier referenced songs.  Although I've heard this song before, it was only while driving to John's brother's home to see my granddaughter and grandson on Christmas Day that I really listened to the lyrics. This latest song, The Perfect Circle, is by a group known as Good Luck Mountain.  It can be listened to below:



The lyrics, as I can best decipher, are as follows:

The Perfect Circle

Knocked out loaded

Trying to get some sleep in a room of someone else's dreams

Messed up scene

And it rained all through the night

But the day breaks a real beauty and we are on our way.

The loss of mobility detailed in an old man's letters left behind in a drawer

Time advances

His granddaughter dances under a sprinkler on a hot summer lawn.

Let the good times roll

Let the hurting behold

You got to let that little girl carry on

Watching while the wheels go round

Get it before your deal goes down

Watching while the wheels go round and round and round and round

Get it before your deal goes down.

All eights and aces

We had a drink at the oasis

And by the time the queen had hit the river

The smoke had completely cleared

She was pretty as the day is long and strong

Make you forget everything you ever loved or feared

And when it rains

A perfect circle around the Kingston Dome.

Like we was saved

Once lost and wasted souls and welcomed home

Watching while the wheels go round

Get it before your deal goes down

Watching while the wheels go round and round and round and round

Get it before your deal goes down.

A shooting star

The arc of a whole lifetime in one moment

Bright stars above

These diamond days will be gone too soon

Good night my love

He kissed her forehead and he left the room

Watching while the wheels go round

Get it before your deal goes down

Watching while the wheels go round and round 

And the wheel keeps going around.

John's Presence at his Sister's Wedding

Recall this earlier post from last year when a dear friend of the family debuted the original song he composed in JW's memory at the 2015 JW Kickball & Kegger Fest.  Well, there was no way that John's little sister, Jes, was going to have a wedding and not include a fitting remembrance of her big brother who otherwise would have played a prominent role at the ceremony and festivities.  Thus, on May 7, 2016, when Jes and John's new brother-in-law, Donny, became husband and wife, John's presence was real when Stryker (the song's composer -- vocals and lead guitar), along with another good friend of the family, Aaron (percussion), and John's "little" brother, Mike (bass) closed a great three song set at the reception with a beautiful rendition of the original composition of "Johnny We Hardly Knew Ye," along with a fitting Guinness toast.  Watch and enjoy below:

A True Labor of Love

While it took 9 months for John's mom to give birth to his baby sister, Jes (actually, less since she was 6 weeks premature), it took almost 33 years to marry her off to her wonderful husband, Donny.  As such, the latest labor of love entailing over a year of painstaking design and execution in order to create the latest "Quilt of JW by Mom" was relatively modest in comparison.  On May 7, 2016, on their wedding day, John's mom presented Jes & Donny, John's newly minted, one and only brother-in-law, with a marriage quilt made, in part, out of the remnants of JW's clothing.  It is proudly added to the pantheon of JW quilts on the lower right hand side of this blog.

A Gift from John

After Jes' and Donny's wedding rehearsal at the church, John's dad pulled out of his pocket an old watch he used to wear.  He explained to Donny that he wasn't too sure where or when he got the watch, although he believes John's mom gave it to him.  He further explained that he wore that watch constantly -- that is until the day JW died.  After that, he started to wear JW's good watch, one JW was very proud of and which he had gotten not long before he had died.  John had purchased the watch in Hong Kong on one of his many trips abroad.  He liked it because it was part analogue and part digitized.  John's dad explained that while the watch was special to JW, it nonetheless paled in comparison as to how JW was a special man in Jes' life.  As such, John's dad then told Donny that since he was now the very special man in Jes' life, it was entirely appropriate that Donny proudly wear John's watch.  With that, John's dad took JW's watch off his wrist and presented it to Donny along with a warm welcome into the Leonard family as well as an admonition to make certain he wore it on his wedding day to ensure that he got to the church on time!  You can see the watch on the respective left wrists in the photos below

9 Years in 2 Photos

The photos may be of Mike & Gina, but they represent all who knew and loved JW.  We grieve his untimely death but we take solace in the love of family & friends whom he loved and who embraced him when he was alive and who have carried forth his spirit ever since.

We miss you, guy.

It's Been a Strange Spring ...

... in so many regards, yet the cherry trees bloom eternal as does JW's spirit (the trees peaked this past week).

From John's Little Sis

Oh the times have changed…

As a Leonard, you have an ability to make an entrance and an exit, even in death.  Which is why you have two anniversaries: the date of April 7 and the holiday of Easter.  While they both bring on great sadness, they also bring on the joy of remembrance.  (Not to mention the irony of the almost agnostic Leonard who went into the hospital on Good Friday only to continue your journey to the afterlife on Easter Sunday…;)

So on this Easter, I find myself thinking about all the big stuff you have missed in person – when you left, I wasn’t even sure what Masters graduate program I was going to.  So, here I am, 9 years later – not a sport psychology consultant, but a freegin’ Doctor! And where did I go to school?  West Virginia!  Who knew?  But it’s a good thing I did, because of all the bars in the world, of all the nights in the year, I met my future husband in good ol’ Bent Willey’s on July 4^th weekend, in Morgantown, WV.  And now, I’m a Mainer, getting ready for a good ol’ Southern Maryland wedding in a few weeks!  With a subtle theme of Crabs vs. Lobsters at the weddingJ 

  

And while you knew how worried I was about leaving Maxine around, you offered to take her in for me for grad school.  She lived to golden cat age of 20 before she left to meet up with you.  I finally have a new furry member of the family – Ruckus.  You would like him – he’s cute – and he knows it!

  

 I have the tattoo that you didn’t want me to have.  You talked me out of getting it in Ireland because (based on your experiences) you didn’t want me to have a tattoo that’s publically visible.  But the joke’s on you – because the tattoo is visible, it’s there as a daily reminder and a conversation starter about you! And I got Dad in the seat – how about that for fate?

There are so many things that have happened throughout the years – not to mention me being in my 30s!  And while I know you are always here with us, it’s never the same without you. While I know you are looking down on us, I always wish you were experiencing life with us, next to us.  But be sure big brother, your story and legacy live on with us.  Heck, your birthday parties continue to grow with the new generation!  So on this Easter, I cry at the thought of your passing, but I smile at the thought of your impact that you continue to have on me.  Love you lots! 

A Niece's Loving Note

John's brother Mike just found this week the below note tucked away in John's niece's backpack from school.  Ariana wrote it to and by herself, unprompted by anyone or anything -- it was just something that popped into her head and, as she says, "I just do what my brain tells me to do."