Does It Get Better?

That was the question John's mom was recently asked by a fellow parishioner who we've been acquainted with since the kids went to Mother Catherine Spalding School.  Several weeks ago, this couple, too, quite suddenly and unexpectedly lost their 30-year-old son to death.  With the recent events in Connecticut, it's a question that far too many parents are facing anew.  

There is, of course, no easy answer to that question - in large part because it all depends upon what you mean by  "it."  If "it" refers to a parent's grief at the death of a child, the answer is clearly no.  The grief is always there, day after day, hour after hour, as raw and painful as the first moment you realize the inconceivable and incomprehensible has happened.  There is nothing that can assuage that grief - time does not diminish the pain.  There is no greater obscenity than a parent burying a child - it violates the natural order of life in every way.  The guilt at just still being alive while your child is dead can be overwhelming.  

That said - slowly but steadily, one comes to the realization that while the grief will always be there as intense as ever, it does not preclude the experience of joy.  Grief and joy can exist side-by-side; one does not diminish the other.  The joy can take many forms -- first and foremost family.  But it can also be the beauty of God's creation or even the product of human creation such as a memorable song.  In many regards, the intensity of grief eventually causes one to experience all that life has to offer, both the good and the bad, with a greater intensity and, more importantly, greater authenticity.  

So - does it get better?  Can't say - but it definitely is forever different and not always in a bad way.  

This has been our experience, an experience we prefer not to share with any others; but, there is, unfortunately, an ever increasingly larger circle of bereaved parents as the events of the past week have shown.