A Lesson in Grief & Joy

Recall in an earlier post about how grief and joy can exist side by side with family being a principal source of joy.  Yesterday was the Feast of the Holy Family.  We got to spend a good part of that day in the wind and cold at the Temple that Snyder rules -- aka FedEx Field -- to witness the Skins wup the Cowboys last night and win the NFC East Division title.

Like so many things in life, it was a bittersweet day -- great times were had with John's bro and sis, as well as a host of others at a gargantuan tailgating party to include a much sought after fire in a rather toasty tent next to us.  I could not help but remember that it was John and his brother who introduced us to tailgating at the Christmas Eve 2005 game between the Skins and the Giants -- which Washington likewise won to enter the playoffs that year.  However, that tailgating party, which included John's Papa and Uncle Ken, along with his siblings, consisted of nothing more than a bunch of 6 packs and a few bags of chips standing behind the rear tailgate of our Highlander.   We've come a long way since then with the improved epicurean delights and with John there with us, in spirit, every step of the way.  

One extraordinary way John's presence was felt yesterday was at the pre-game ceremonies which never before did we get inside the stadium in time to witness.  What clearly brought John to mind was that the color guard for the national anthem were representatives of CIA's uniformed protective services. John was both very proud and very effective with respect to his career at the CIA.  

You can hear the last rendition of Hail to the Redskins during the regular season in the video below following the PAT after their fourth and final touchdown of the night (thank you, Alfred).  

Christmas Eve 2012

Uncle Johnny and his niece Ariana, this Christmas Eve.

Does It Get Better?

That was the question John's mom was recently asked by a fellow parishioner who we've been acquainted with since the kids went to Mother Catherine Spalding School.  Several weeks ago, this couple, too, quite suddenly and unexpectedly lost their 30-year-old son to death.  With the recent events in Connecticut, it's a question that far too many parents are facing anew.  

There is, of course, no easy answer to that question - in large part because it all depends upon what you mean by  "it."  If "it" refers to a parent's grief at the death of a child, the answer is clearly no.  The grief is always there, day after day, hour after hour, as raw and painful as the first moment you realize the inconceivable and incomprehensible has happened.  There is nothing that can assuage that grief - time does not diminish the pain.  There is no greater obscenity than a parent burying a child - it violates the natural order of life in every way.  The guilt at just still being alive while your child is dead can be overwhelming.  

That said - slowly but steadily, one comes to the realization that while the grief will always be there as intense as ever, it does not preclude the experience of joy.  Grief and joy can exist side-by-side; one does not diminish the other.  The joy can take many forms -- first and foremost family.  But it can also be the beauty of God's creation or even the product of human creation such as a memorable song.  In many regards, the intensity of grief eventually causes one to experience all that life has to offer, both the good and the bad, with a greater intensity and, more importantly, greater authenticity.  

So - does it get better?  Can't say - but it definitely is forever different and not always in a bad way.  

This has been our experience, an experience we prefer not to share with any others; but, there is, unfortunately, an ever increasingly larger circle of bereaved parents as the events of the past week have shown.  

The Warmth of Parental Love

In addition to being what would have been JW's Mammy's (his dad's mom) 88th birthday, today was very significant in other ways in terms of being symbolic of the warmth of the love between a parent and son.

In ascending order, firstly, indicative of placing herself last, JW's mom finally completed today a quilt for herself which, like all preceding ones, is made, in part, out of the remnants of JW's clothing.  However, unlike all the prior quilts, this one did not have a unifying theme but was rather a "crazy quilt" made out of the materials left over from all the earlier quilts made with love for a few of those who occupied a special place in JW's life.  In the photo to the left, John's mom proudly displays her own quilt. (To see all prior quilts, scroll down the side bar to the right). 

Even more importantly, today John's nephew and namesake finally came home.  After having been born at 27 weeks gestation, and after 94 days in the NICU at Alexandria Hospital, John Bentley was able to come home to Gina, Mike and his big sister, Ariana.  JB truly represents the "impossible pregnancy" and is the product of the tremendous love, dedication and self-sacrifice of his parents -- JW's sister-in-law and "little" brother.  There is no doubt that if there is such a thing as "pride" in heaven, JW is a truly proud uncle, brother and brother-in-law today.  Gina and Mike have moved heaven and earth to give the gift of life to Bentley and are truly emblematic of the warmth of parental love.

Pictures of Bentley's homecoming can be seen below.

Another JW Quilt by Mom

Out of remnants of JW's clothing, John's mom has been making quilts for those who played a special role in John's life.  The latest quilt went to Grayson, the son of one of John's best friends, Mark and his wife, Emily.

JW and Mark were loyal alumni of Virginia Tech, attending many a Tech football game both near and afar.  John's brother, Mike, has since assumed the mantel of loyal fan.